| 10 Things NOT to do on Valentine's Day When Single |
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| Feature Articles - Seasonal | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Written by Jenna Bensoussan | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Wednesday, 13 February 2008 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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Oh...what are we going to do with you...I know! Lets make a list of things you should absolutely NOT do to further depress yourself. Ready? Here we go... 1. Do not, under any circumstances, watch old romance movies, particularly anything with Audrey Hepburn in them. That is one sure way to cry yourself a river, and really, if you're single, you probably don't have any spare paddles left... 2. For cripes sake, stay away from that damn box of chocolates. You know what will happen, you've seen it on Legally Blonde—only you'll actually eat all of them! And then, and then, and then *bounce, bounce, bounce* Need I say more... 3. Don't pity purchase flowers for yourself. It's pathetic, and you will just reminisce about the flowers so-and-so didn't give you today, or how the flowers you bought yourself are so much better than anything Joe Blow ever got you, or...wait, why the hell has no one ever bought me flowers? What's wrong with me! 4. Aren't those adorable pink and hearty teddy bears to die for? Well...stop touching them!!! The fondling of innocent stuffed bears is not going to help you—you know what that leads to... 5. Diamonds are forever...no, not really—and, thank goodness, neither is Valentine's Day. Are you kidding me? Are you seriously thinking of purchasing make-me-feel-better jewelry for yourself? Why not try a nice arts and crafts project instead? Just, don't use rope... 6. Ah, the pleasure of a well-cooked meal at a restaurant you frequent where everyone delivers your food to you, couples are all out eating a romantic dinner all around you, nuzzling in the dark corners, giggling through their mating ritualistic foreplay...yea, probably better to dine in... 7. The movies—perfect! Go to the cinema, take a seat with your extra large tub of popcorn and large coke that cost you two-thirds of your salary, gaze up at the big screen, look around...no...don't look around. Do you see them? The couples holding hands in the dark...do you see? 8. Staying at home, yes...good thinking. Listen to some music...yes. "I wanna know what love is..." No, no... "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy..." No, No...not that one either. "I, I just died in your arms tonight..." Oh, My God - are there any songs other than 80s tunes on the radio anymore?!
9. Ok, staying at home, watching Spongebob (that should be safe). Phone rings... 10. Perhaps you are thinking a book? Now, why are you eying that Jane Austen novel? Have you learned nothing? PUT IT DOWN! Go for the Stephen King book. Lots of killing and gore is a good character builder... Of course, there is no "real" right or wrong thing to do when you are single on Valentine's Day. I am single. Yippee. Why the heck would I want to go spend money on an incorporated holiday anyway? I spoil my friends, family—and "very good friends"—all year long. Don't sweat the stupid baby with the arrow—he needs his diaper changed.
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Oh woe is you—Mr. or Miss Singlepants on Valentine's Day...oh the non-humanity. Done feeling sorry for yourself yet? No? Think of all the pounds you won't be putting on tomorrow...that alone should be sweet to your ears. No?
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